


heart stops beating (die my first death, second, all for you)

by dreamwithinadream1010 (NacreHeart29)



Category: TREASURE (Korea Band)
Genre: 3+1 Things, Alternate Universe - Magic, Alternate Universe - Spirits, Angst, Betrayal, Character Death, Discrimination, Falling In Love, Feelings Realization, Immortality, Kitsune, M/M, Magic, Rebirth, Spirits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-28
Packaged: 2021-03-28 23:14:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30147090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NacreHeart29/pseuds/dreamwithinadream1010
Summary: Here's how it goes.Haruto is a regular demigod, cursed to be forever born and reborn until someone finally gives him their heart and he gives them theirs.And Yedam?Well, Yedam is the poor spirit who falls into Haruto's trap.
Relationships: Bang Yedam & Watanabe Haruto, Bang Yedam/Watanabe Haruto
Comments: 4
Kudos: 25





	1. first glance

**Author's Note:**

> This is like a completely random idea I had that just started with 'Kitsune Yedam' and snowballed into whatever this fic is meant to be.
> 
> I hope I accurately wrote what Kitsunes are like, but accounts vary so if I made a mistake please tell me!
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> -Jay

It happens a little something like this.

Scene: set. At the edge of a forest, the sun starting to set on the horizon. Yedam is sitting between the trees, five tails swaying steadily against the ground. A bird flutters down, lands a respectable distance away. Animals are good at sensing he’s not one of them, despite his appearance.

The sunset is beautiful as always. Yedam tilts his head back, breathes deeply. Exhales a small curl of rose-gold flame. Today marks his eighty-ninth year; not that old by spiritual standards. Only eleven more years until he can shapeshift into a human. So close.

And then a boy stumbles out and Yedam starts, spinning an illusion almost immediately to cloak himself.

He’s wearing a ripped shirt, knife at his hip, torn pants. No shoes. His hair is messy, with a twig sticking out of it. And his eyes, bright like spun gold.

Yedam isn’t old enough to know how he feels yet, heart pounding in his chest, but it’s love. One look and that’s it; he’s fallen, now and forever.

What irony, that a spirit should fall in love. Something so delicate, transient, unworthy for an immortal being such as he. And Yedam falls anyway, takes one look at this handsome creature and some part of him knows that this is it. He’s a goner.

But he doesn’t reveal himself, hides behind the illusion of still trees and grass and watches as the mysterious boy walks away from the forest, disappears over the hill and only once Yedam is sure he’s gone does he let the illusion fall and trots out slowly, peeks over the grass.

_ Who are you? _

  
  


_ “Who is he?” _

Junkyu shrugs lightly, swinging his legs in the water. Yedam butts his shoulder insistently, blinking wide eyes up at his longtime friend. 

_ “I’m not sure, Damie.” _

The boy, Yedam had been delighted to see, was back, daring to walk through the forest. He tripped over a log twice and startled about five birds. It was ridiculously endearing.

_ “He’s so handsome,”  _ Yedam murmurs despite himself, watching with wide eyes as the boy sits down against a tree, brushing his hair back.  _ “I wish I could ask him.” _

Junkyu laughs softly and it’s a light breeze, rustling the leaves and grass.  _ “Oh, Yedamie. Just a few more years and you’ll be able to.” _

Yedam giggles and the boy actually notices, to his surprise.

“Hello? Is anyone there?”

Uh oh.

They’re both perfectly silent as the boy looks around, one hand on the handle of his knife. Yedam strengthens his illusion and holds his breath, not even moving any of his tails.

“Snap out of it, Haruto,” the boy mutters to himself, hitting his head lightly.  _ Haruto.  _ So that was his name.

It was a nice name.

“There’s nothing here but trees and animals,” Haruto continues as he starts walking again and Yedam watches his back disappear between the trees, follows silently with Junkyu at his side. Was he going to the village?

He was.

Oh.

Yedam sits back on his haunches and waits until Haruto has safely entered the village before turning around and trotting back. Spirits like him weren’t very welcome, unfortunately. 

_ Just eleven more years, _ he promises.  _ And then I can see you. _

Junkyu gives him a knowing smile as he slips back into the river.  _ “You like him, don’t you.” _

_ “He’s handsome,”  _ Yedam admits, fidgeting. Why couldn’t he become human sooner? Stupid villages with their predisposition against spirits. 

_ “Be careful, Yedamie,”  _ Junkyu cautions and the river ripples with his voice, sending a group of fish scattering.  _ “I’ve seen people fall in love and have their hearts broken. He’s only mortal.” _

_ “I know,”  _ Yedam says, flicking his tails. Haruto, for all his good looks, isn’t immortal like Yedam is. He’ll die eventually and Yedam will live on without him.  _ “Don’t worry, Kyu. I’ll be fine, I promise.” _

It’s the only promise that Yedam ever breaks.

  
  


For spirits, time can pass quickly. You go for a quick nap in January and the next thing you know it’s March of next year. 

Even so, Yedam is jittery for the next eleven years. He dares to venture out of the forest occasionally, prowling the meadows. One time, he goes up one of the mountains and sits at the peak, just looking at the world spread wide beneath him. It feels like he could fly, touch the clouds.

He’s only a spirit, not one of the gods who can actually walk the heavens but Yedam allows himself to dream for a moment. 

(Would Haruto want to fly?)

Up high like this, Yedam is completely alone, with no other company but a passing bird and the wind in his fur. He exhales a curl of flame, watches the way it dances in the air before disappearing with a small puff of pink smoke.

Five more years. Just five more and Yedam can finally turn into a human, go to find Haruto. 

(Junkyu worries sometimes, about him and so does Hyunsuk, about his attachment to a human they don’t even know. Yedam worries about it sometimes as well but. What could go wrong?)

(His fur is steadily taking on a gold sheen. Yedam’s ninth tail will come in when he reaches one hundred and he’ll be fully grown.)

  
  


_ “Wake up!” _

Hyunsuk groans. Yedam pokes him again, tails swaying excitedly.  _ “Wake up wake up wake up!” _

_ “Relax, would you?”  _

_ “It’s my hundredth birthday, how am I supposed to relax? Today’s the day!” _

Indeed, today is the day. Yedam curls his tails around him, counts them. One two three four five six seven eight  _ nine. _

Finally.

His fur has taken on the signature golden white sheen of his kind, dappled with sunlight. Hyunsuk slips out of the river with a wide yawn and curls up next to Yedam, water rolling down his scales. Junkyu appears, smiling.

_ “Happy hundredth!” _

Yedam preens, tails swishing.  _ “I can shapeshift now, too! Watch, watch!” _

He concentrates on the form of a human, recalls how Hyunsuk and Junkyu looked. Face, neck, torso, arms on either side, legs. Hands on arms, feet on legs, eyes, hair, nose, mouth. 

Grey swirls in his vision and suddenly Yedam is standing on two legs. He stumbles, falls and Junkyu catches him quickly.

“Woah,” Yedam says, feels the word physically come out of his mouth and he slaps a hand over it, startled.  _ “What?” _

“Try speaking,” Hyunsuk recommends, shifting into a human form and sliding back into the water. “Humans do it a lot.”

Yedam opens his mouth hesitantly. “Blergh.”

Junkyu snickers. Hyunsuk laughs.

_ “I’ll stick to this,”  _ Yedam decides.  _ “I can be a human silently, right? It’ll be fine.” _

“Well, make an illusion of clothing because humans need to wear that. And hide your tails and fur. And your eyes are too narrow and your neck is too thin. And your arms need to be smaller.”

Yedam groans and actually hears the sound. It’s so  _ foreign.  _ He can’t believe he made it. 

But he focuses on his tail and the patches of fur on his body, willing them away. Smooth skin takes their place.

“Eyes wider - there we go. Also your neck is too thin, so - not that wide, yeah like that.”

“Also your arms should be shorter,” Junkyu adds, tapping them. “Your body is too small for giant arms.”

_ “Humans have such boring bodies,”  _ Yedam complains as he shrinks them down and wills an illusion of clothing in to cover his body. 

“What about Haruto?” Hyunsuk teases and Yedam feels his cheeks get hot. 

_ “Shush.” _

Junkyu and Hyunsuk insist on going with Yedam, just to be safe. Yedam bounces on the balls of his feet as they head into the village, excited.

_ “Be careful. Don’t let the illusion slip.” _

Right.

_ “Who was it?”  _ Junkyu asks.  _ “Haruto?” _

_ “Yeah,”  _ Yedam responds, looking around eagerly. The village had grown over the years. Small huts were now wooden cabins, with the occasional stone house. There was a large market in the center with a fountain (was that  _ Hyunsuk?  _ It was). 

_ “Let’s ask over there,”  _ Hyunsuk says, nodding his head towards a random stall.  _ “C’mon - watch your eyes.” _

Yedam quickly focuses to make sure they were a normal shade of brown. Humans apparently didn’t have pink or gold eyes, which was disappointing. He checks discreetly to make sure he has no tails; they’re not there, thankfully.

“Excuse me, miss,” Junkyu says politely as they approach the lady manning the stall. “Do you know someone named Haruto?”

“Watanabe Haruto?” the lady asks, frowning. “Oh, him. He left just yesterday.”

“Where?” Hyunsuk asks.

“To the East. Would you like a fruit?”

“No,” Junkyu says, bowing. Hyunsuk follows and Yedam copies their example. “Thank you, though. Have a nice day.”

“You as well.”

To the East, then. Yedam gives Junkyu and Hyunsuk a pleading look.

_ “Pleease?” _

_ “I have to go back to my forest,”  _ Junkyu says softly.  _ “Hyunsuk hyung?” _

_ “I can go with you for a bit,”  _ Hyunsuk says.  _ “Not too far though.” _

Yedam has to suppress a smile and hopes his tails aren’t showing.  _ “Thank you, thank you!” _

As soon as they’re far enough from the village Yedam shifts, shaking out his fur with a sigh. It’s good to be back into his usual form. Hyunsuk scratches his head affectionately and Yedam beams before cloaking himself.

He sticks to the tall grass at the sides, enjoying the sense of security it gives him though Yedam knows full well his fur would still show without the illusion. A stray mouse scuttles past, bumps into his leg, squeaks in alarm and runs off. Yedam sighs forlornly; it was so cute, too.

Hyunsuk has to leave at the next stop, which makes Yedam extremely nervous. How would he speak? Or do anything? 

_ “You’ll be okay,”  _ Hyunsuk murmurs.  _ “Just speak like you would if you were talking telepathically. And if you get found out, run. Your Haruto isn’t worth the danger.” _

Yedam blinks nervously, tries to come up with some sort of courage. 

_ “I’m scared,”  _ he admits.  _ “He might think I’m weird. Cause, you know…” _

_ “Don’t worry,”  _ Hyunsuk says and scratches Yedam’s ears, smiling when Yedam lets out a satisfied half-purr half-rumble.  _ “You can do it.” _

Shifting back to human form is easier this time. Hyunsuk gives him a few adjustments to make - longer fingernails, eyelashes are too short, divot above your upper lip, make clothing. Out of curiosity, Yedam tries out a female form and brushes his hair away from his face, tucks it neatly behind his ear. His body doesn’t feel very different. It’s kind of cool, actually, though he does prefer the male one.

_ “Looking good. Maybe make your shoulders a little broader.” _

_ “Thanks!”  _

Stepping into the village alone is mildly terrifying. Yedam twists a strand of hair around his finger, tucks it behind his ear. Ignores the look a teenage boy gives him, hopes it’s not because he’s missing an eyelid or something.

“Excuse me,” he says to a random vendor, stumbles a little bit over the syllables. This was weird. “Do you know, uh, Watanabe Haruto?”

“Who?”

Thinking fast, Yedam says, “A tall traveler. Handsome. Probably has a knife?”

“Oh, him. Yeah, he’s over there. Might want to hurry.”

Yedam feels relief course through his entire body. “Thank you.”

He sees him, about to leave, and Yedam will never admit that he panics, tries to sort of half-run half-walk and not fall over because  _ why did humans use two legs this was so unstable - _

Watanabe Haruto looks back at him and Yedam meets his eyes and feels his heart stutter, pound against his chest. Eleven years and he still feels the same overwhelming mix of joy and amazement upon seeing Haruto.

Hesitantly, he takes a small step forwards, opens his mouth to speak and Haruto’s eyes fill with horror.

“Get away from me!”

And just like that the moment shatters as Yedam has to duck from a wild swing, feels the sword cut into his skin and he lets out an involuntary cry of pain. Before he knows it he’s shifting, skidding back, terrified.

Villagers have started to take notice and one yells, voice filled with horror, “It’s come to curse us!”

_ No I haven’t, I’m not here to curse you - _

\- but then someone throws a wooden bucket at him and Yedam doesn’t think, exhales a billowing plume of rose flame and turns it into ash. Several people scream and Yedam takes advantage of the momentary distraction to run, sprinting into the undergrowth and cloaking himself in a protective illusion as soon as he can.

Some villagers are trying to find him and Yedam can see them, brandishing knives and weapons but he’s had a century to hone his skills and then the ground shakes, the trees and bushes twist up in front of him, effectively hiding Yedam from them.

“Why are so many people here?”

“I’m not sure, Junghwanie.”

Yedam takes a deep breath, eyes his rescuers carefully. They appeared to be spirits as well so he lets the illusion fall, shakes out his fur. One gasps.

“A kitsune?”

“That’s probably why,” the taller one says, eyes widening. “Are you alright? Did they do anything?”

He looks down at his foreleg; the wound is already closing. Yedam shakes his head and carefully shifts into something resembling human.

“I’m okay,” he says hoarsely. “Who are you?”

“Junghwan,” the taller one says with a sweet smile.

“Mashiho,” the shorter one says. “Your name, please?”

“Call me Yedam,” Yedam says. His voice sounds shaky, foreign. Something wet rolls down his face. Nevertheless, he musters up a small smile. “Nice to meet you.”

His arm, even though he’s no longer injured, aches. The memory of Haruto’s fear and anger replays over and over in Yedam’s mind, words carved into his heart;  _ get away from me! _

“You’re crying,” Mashiho murmurs and Yedam just wipes away his tears, feels the smile slip off his face.

“I have to go back. Thank you and goodbye.”

And then he shifts and cloaks himself, creeps out of the forest and into the village which is still panicking. Haruto is there, talking with someone and Yedam ducks behind a shed, hides, starts the long way home.


	2. wrapped in cellophane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've developed an interest in Dead by Daylight and somewhere saved up on my computer is a crossover AU I made between DBD and Treasure. May or may not write it, who knows? It'd certainly be interesting.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> -Jay

And that’s it. Generations pass, Yedam travels away from the safety of the forest, builds his own little circle in the middle of a rundown part of the city. Hones his skills and own brand of magic, has multiple experiences of running away from corrupt police officers and other jerks, and occasionally thinks about Watanabe Haruto and his stupid handsome face.

It doesn’t matter. Haruto will have died by now and Yedam can’t let things like that weigh him down so he doesn’t.

The day starts out normal; Yedam cooks breakfast for everyone, wakes them up. Helps Jihoon brush out his feathers, convinces Jeongwoo to get out of what was basically a pile of blankets, waves a little flame in front of Doyoung until he finally crawls out to bat at it and Yedam extinguises the fire before Doyoung can burn himself.

“Why do you wake up so early?” Jeongwoo complains, stabbing at his vegetables unhappily. “It’s like the crack of dawn right now.”

“Oh, lighten up,” Jihoon teases, nudging his side. 

“Woo’s not wrong,” Doyoung says forlornly. “You always pull the fire trick on me, hyung.”

Yedam makes one appear in his hand and gives Doyoung a mischievous smile, basking in the comfortable atmosphere. “Because it works, Doyoungie, because it works.”

As retaliation, Doyoung tugs one of Yedam’s ears and he yelps involuntarily, bats his hand away. Jeongwoo snickers. 

“Rude.”

“Oh hush.”

He stretches, feels his tails brush the floor. Yedam sets his bowl down and carefully hides all his foxlike features, runs a hand down his face to make sure he’s got all the details right. Eyebrows, eyelids and eyelashes and eyes, nose, cheekbones, divot above his lip, mouth. Checks that he’s still got fingernails and that they’re not too sharp or long. It’s all fine for now.

Doyoung joins him as they head out of their little shelter, into the street. Someone runs by and Yedam ducks a thrown bucket, suppresses the instinct to burn it to ash.

Today is more peaceful than usual, without the usual goons patrolling the streets. Yedam keeps his tails and magic hidden anyway; you never know what eyes are watching. 

At least, it was until someone barrels past with sparks coming off his hands and ducks behind them. Yedam acts mostly on instinct, wrapping them in an illusion so it just appeared to be brick wall and not three people standing right there.

“Where did he go?”

“He’s probably hiding! Feel the walls and street!”

Not good.

“Listen,” Doyoung is whispering behind him, “my friend will distract them. I’ll get you somewhere safe.”

There’s no answer but Yedam can’t look back, focuses his energy into making their patch of wall as inconspicuous as possible.  _ Don’t search here don’t search here - _

Someone touches his chest and Yedam quietly curses their luck, throws a hand out and gives the guy a faceful of flames. He screams and Doyoung grabs the person, runs.

“There! Get them!”

But a spiral of fire surges up around them before they can make a move and Yedam shifts, disguises himself as a regular fox, runs while they’re distracted. He can hear them yelling, trying to extinguish the flames. It’s enough time for him to run into an abandoned building and cloak himself into invisibility, hide behind a collapsed wood beam.

“You’re okay,” Jeongwoo breathes when Yedam finally makes his way back, shakes out his fur. “We were worried.”

Yedam shifts back into human, gives Jeongwoo a comforting smile and a hug. “I’m okay, don’t worry.”

He looks up, searching for the new guy, and makes eye contact with -

No.

No way.

It’s Haruto, scrape on his cheek and hair mussed up, talking with Jihoon. 

Yedam wants to - he wants to - to what? 

He doesn’t know. Because this is Watanabe Haruto, who still manages to make Yedam’s heart flutter like a butterfly, after literal centuries. The idea of soulmates has always sounded tempting but that’s it; it’s a dream, something intangible, something to think about in the hazy space between sleep and consciousness where you’re the most honest with yourself.

Haruto, though, could fit the bill. Yedam watches him, watches the way his bangs fall over his forehead and how he brushes them away, catches Yedam’s gaze with his own and  _ oh  _ it’s breathtaking.  _ He’s  _ breathtaking. 

“Thank you,” Haruto says and his voice is nice. Yedam almost forgot how nice it was; low and pleasant to the ear, warms some core part of him that he didn’t even know existed. “What’s your name?”

“Yedam,” Yedam manages to say and with it goes all the oxygen in his lungs. “I’m Yedam.”

“Haruto,” Haruto says and see Yedam knows this but he just nods, realizes Haruto either doesn’t recognize or has forgotten him. Considering how their first meeting went, Yedam is all too okay with that.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Yedam says, running on autopilot.  _ Again.  _

“You too,” Haruto says but there’s a slight furrow in his brows as he scans Yedam up and down quickly, eyes running over his body, pausing on his tails. It’s odd and Yedam, just to mess with him, discreetly changes his entire face. Doyoung laughs when Haruto’s gaze slides back up and suddenly it’s a different person, sitting there.

“What - ”

Yedam changes his face back, runs a finger down the side quickly to make sure every detail was in place. He forces his tails and ears to disappear, suddenly self-conscious of his appearance. 

(Spirits are considered beautiful - at least, the humanoid ones are. Yedam, as a spirit resembling a humanoid, should not have to worry about his looks. Yedam, as a spirit resembling a humanoid sitting before Haruto whose looks were on deity tier at the least, was worrying about his looks.)

  
  


“I don’t get it,” Haruto snaps one day, visibly frustrated. Sparks crackle over his skin, makes Jihoon take a nervous step back. Yedam snaps his fingers, sends a bright flare of flame into the air to draw Haruto’s attention. 

“Calm down, you’re scaring Jihoonie-hyung.”

“Sorry.”

“What don’t you get?” Jeongwoo asks.

“Why they’re like this,” Haruto says, running a hand through his hair. “Why we have to live  _ here.” _

_ Oh, don’t you?  _ Yedam thinks in a sudden surge of bitterness. Doyoung looks over at him, curious and Yedam schools his expression quickly.  _ You got it when you slashed my arm. _

“People just don’t like magic very much,” he says. “Or spirits.”

Haruto sighs and spins around, goes to electrify a piece of firewood and Yedam quickly stops him; they needed that and he didn’t want Haruto setting the entire place on fire.

“Be careful.”

“I know, I  _ know.” _

Everyone is watching them with varying degrees of caution in their eyes and Yedam nudges the piece of wood away with his foot, looks up to see Haruto staring at him with those dark eyes, every eyelash stark against his skin. His heart speeds up a little.

If Yedam died from drowning in Watanabe Haruto’s eyes, he would die happy.

“Why don’t you fight back?” Haruto asks. “You’ve all got magic. You’re so much stronger.”

“It’s not worth it,” Doyoung says and he sounds exhausted. “There’s too many of them. Too little of us.”

Haruto is silent for a moment and Yedam feels tension crackle in the air - whether literally or not, he’s unsure. Then he sits down abruptly, melting into the wall and Yedam follows his instincts, reaches out to wrap him in a hug and savours the contact.

If only it was more. If only he could be more but Yedam quietly resigns himself to it being a wish and no more, is happy to just hold Haruto in his arms. Warmth spreads across his entire body when Haruto hugs him back, hands on his back, cradling Yedam’s waist. The others come in around them so they’re all curled up with each other in a little pile.

He almost closes his eyes, almost lets himself fall into Haruto’s embrace but Yedam likes to think he has more self control than that so he doesn’t and silently hopes that when Haruto squeezes him tighter it’s not an illusion.

  
  


After that, things start to change.

The first time Haruto leaves of his own accord Yedam doesn’t think much of it.

(That’s a lie - he worries about it so much that Doyoung actually teases him for being a ‘mother hen, hyung’ and Yedam laughs, knows it’s something so so different.)

But. The first time Haruto leaves of his own accord Yedam worries but convinces himself it’s fine, he just needs air and it’s not his right to dictate what Haruto does.

The second time Yedam also doesn’t overthink it too much. Or the third time, really. Any of them coming back a little ruffled is normal - that’s just the nature of life. 

The fourth time Haruto comes back with his hands smoking and while Yedam worries over it a small part of his mind starts churning, wonders what happened. The burns are minor but don’t look like they came from fire.

“What  _ happened?” _ he asks. Haruto’s eyes shift away briefly and then back as he steps a little closer.

“Had an accident while running from someone,” he says and Yedam frowns, tries to focus. Haruto is  _ tall.  _ Like, really tall and Yedam is in no means short but he still feels small.

“Be careful,” he scolds. “Doyoungie, can you come help for a moment?”

“Sure,” Doyoung says cheerfully and Haruto turns towards him but he stays just as close as before, so close Yedam swears he can feel the heat coming off of him and it raises goosebumps on his skin. 

(Was this how humans felt?)

The fifth time Yedam doesn’t even realize what has happened until he’s woken by the sounds of someone tiptoeing in. 

_ Intruder. _

Alarmed, he shifts and leaps for them. There’s a startled yell and the sound of something crashing and Yedam exhales a burst of fire, just to see who it was and -

Haruto.

Oh no.

“I’m so sorry,” Yedam breathes, shifting back to human form almost immediately. “I didn’t realize it was you - I thought it was an intruder - are you okay?”

The commotion has woken everyone else from their sleep and Yedam holds up fire in his palm, lighting up the room with a pink glow.

“Haruto?” Jeongwoo murmurs, rubbing his eyes. “Wha… ?”

“What happened?” Doyoung asks with a wide yawn. “You good?”

“I’m good,” Haruto says, voice hoarse. “What was that for, hyung?”

“I thought you were an intruder,” Yedam says, feeling heat rise to his neck and ears. “So I tackled you.”

“Sorry,” Haruto says softly. The flickering firelight casts shadows over his face, reflects itself in his eyes. Yedam freezes. 

“Why did you think he was an intruder?” Jihoon asks. 

“I heard footsteps, that’s why,” Yedam says, forcibly wrenching his mind away from Haruto’s eyes. He frowns, confused. “Why were you out so late? It could be dangerous.”

“Just wanted a little air, that’s all,” Haruto says, eyes shifting away. Evasive. “I’m okay, hyung, you don’t have to worry.”

“We do,” Doyoung says firmly. “Be careful, okay? One of us can go with you next time, to make sure you don’t get hurt.”

For the first time that night Haruto smiles and it lights up his whole face, makes him glow brighter than any of Yedam’s flames. 

The sixth time he comes back injured. Yedam, in his fox form, can smell the blood. 

He gets up, pads over slowly. Haruto has tears in his eyes and Yedam feels his heart wrench.

A hand buries itself in his fur, strokes gently and he finds his eyes closing, soothed by the rhythmic petting. Yedam wants to love him, wants to love Haruto so badly and when Haruto falls asleep cuddling him he completely forgets about the blood.

(He completely forgets about the odd string of deaths that has been cropping up around the city, some with scorch marks on their temples and necks, some with stab wounds, some with ice covering their entire body.)

_ “I love you,”  _ he says as they fall asleep but the difference is that no one is able to hear it.

The eighth time, Yedam out of sheer curiosity (and protective instinct) follows him. If Haruto kept coming back injured, something had to be up. 

Cloaked in invisibility, Yedam shifts and pads after Haruto, sticking close to the shadows as he heads for… a lone guard? It’s one that Yedam recognizes; the annoying one, who always tried to hit on him and others. Especially if Yedam was in female form.

He’s about to shift, tell Haruto this is a bad idea but suddenly Haruto puts on a burst of speed and lunges, grabs the guard with one hand on his neck and one hand on his mouth. Electricity crackles over his fingers and surges outwards.

Yedam stands there, frozen as the guard’s body falls onto the floor with a dull thump. Haruto shakes out his hand, still smoking a little, and drags the guard into a shadowed corner. 

Was he - ?

Haruto’s leaving and Yedam moves aside, careful not to disturb anything. He’s going back to the shelter, Yedam realizes, and will be expecting him there.

But he has to at least check if the guard is dead. Some part of him doesn’t want to believe it, doesn’t want to believe what’s right in front of his eyes but he has to make sure, be completely one hundred percent  _ sure. _

There’s no pulse when Yedam noses his neck, searching. No sign of breathing. No heartbeat. If he had been alive before, Yedam was too late.

Realization is heavy and painful.

Haruto spins around when Yedam (purposefully) kicks a pebble and steps out of the shadows, morphing into a human as he does. The look on his face makes Yedam’s heart twist, contort into knots.

Oh, Haruto.

“Hyung?”

Betrayal hits first, then guilt and he shrinks into himself, looking infinitely smaller under Yedam’s gaze. Tears well up in Yedam’s eyes and spill out, trailing down his cheeks. 

“You’re killing them,” Yedam breathes and Haruto’s downcast stare is enough to punch holes through his ribcage. He doesn’t want Haruto to feel sad, wishes he could pull the stars from the sky and give them all over, tell him  _ it’s okay, you’re okay, I love you  _ but it’s not, it’s  _ not. _

And Yedam isn’t a liar. Not when it counts.

“I - ”

Yedam waits. Waits because his throat closes up and he can’t speak, waits because the hurt and confusion and all sorts of conflicting emotions crawl up into his lungs and steal every bit of air he has. 

“I’m not sorry,” Haruto whispers and it’s a blow to the gut. “No, I am. I don’t know.”

“You can’t kill people,” Yedam whispers back. He’s not sure why they’re whispering but whatever. “Even if they’re - ”

“They’re horrible!” Haruto bursts out suddenly and hurt shines bright in his eyes, shimmers under the moonlight. “They treat us so badly and I hate them. That guy tried to grab you. He would have hurt you.”

It freezes Yedam to the core, warmth running through his veins in spite of himself. 

“I want to burn it all down,” Haruto breathes and there’s something wild about it, scared and powerful and fierce all at the same time and he’s stepping closer and Yedam’s heart pounds against his ribcage, motionless, stunned. A hand takes his, fingers lacing together. “Will you, hyung? Would you?”

“I would,” Yedam whispers, finds the strength to exhale the words and Haruto is smiling, happiness filling his face and he almost closes his eyes, tries to kiss Haruto but he can’t, he can’t and then Haruto is stepping away leaving only a shadow of the former warmth.

If this is love then Yedam will take all he can get before he inevitably has to snuff it out.

  
  


He visits Junghwan first, accepts the concoction with a smile and gives some of his own flames in return. Mashiho waves him out with understanding in his eyes and it’s some comfort through his tears.

Then it’s Doyoung, who is hesitant but kind and tells Yedam with no uncertain terms that  _ I’ll have your back, always. _

Just in case, he tells himself. If it comes to that, he would. 

And then one night Haruto steals him up to a rooftop with sparks dancing in his eyes, smiles sweetly down at him and pulls Yedam close to his side, murmurs something along the lines of  _ You want to do it or should I? _

Betrayal is the sweetest poison Yedam has ever tasted.

He smiles back, knowing this will be his last.  _ I would give you the world,  _ he tries to say silently,  _ the stars, the moon, the sun, everything. I love you, Watanabe Haruto, I love you so so much, more than you could ever comprehend. _

Yedam hopes only that Haruto understands what he wasn’t brave enough to say.

It’s quick. Painless. Just a quick cut and a bit into his bloodstream and Haruto is staring at him with betrayal instead of affection as Yedam catches him, sets him tenderly on the stone.

_ Why?  _ his eyes scream, lost, painful.  _ I trusted you. _

“I love you,” Yedam breathes as Haruto’s pulse starts to slow under his fingertips and he cries, shoulders shaking. “I love you, Haruto. I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

_ I hate you,  _ Haruto seems to say.  _ I hate you. _

Still Yedam cannot hate him back, still he loves Haruto with his entire heart because love is a cruel mistress and Yedam has fallen for her trap. 

“You’ll be okay,” he whispers through his blurred vision. “It won’t hurt. Just go to sleep, Haruto. I’ll be there when you wake up, I promise.”

He hopes his words offer some comfort as Haruto’s pulse flutters to a stop and dies out, eyes still wide open. In death he looks small, so young. So, so young.

With gentle fingers, Yedam closes his eyes and clasps Haruto’s hands together on his chest, sings a song to help his spirit move on. 

The sun rises and with it Haruto’s body burns to ash under Yedam’s flames. He scatters them to the wind so hopefully he could be free, wander the world. Somewhere happier. Somewhere he deserved.

“Where do you want to go?” Doyoung whispers, rubbing his back soothingly as Yedam sobs, cries until he’s completely drained of tears. “I’ll be with you.”

He can hardly stay. Jeongwoo and Jihoon would hate him. The city carries too many cruel memories for Yedam to possibly remain. Every time he passed the building he’d think of Haruto, with sparks crackling off of his palms and a life ahead of him, the life he’d cruelly snuffed out.

“Let’s just leave,” he says, voice thick. “I don’t want to stay here anymore.”

Home, Yedam decides. He just wants to go home.


	3. blinded by the sunset

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music exams are stressful but I only have this and then ARCT before I'm finally free of the clutches of RCM. So thank god. I hate tremolo.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> -Jay

Junkyu and Hyunsuk are a steady presence as Yedam cries his heart out. Junghwan, who was worried about his obvious distress, awkwardly hovers close by.

“Yedamie,” Junkyu whispers, patting his back. “Shh, Yedamie. What happened?”

“Was it that human again?” Hyunsuk asks. Yedam cries harder.

He killed Haruto. He betrayed him and now there’s a void in his heart that Yedam can’t ever fill.

“Tell me what happened, Yedamie,” Junkyu says, rubbing his back soothingly. “Don’t worry. Just tell me what happened.”

“I killed him,” Yedam sobs, burying his face into Junkyu’s chest. He hiccups, tears running down his face. It’s not a pretty sight. “He wanted me to burn down the city and I killed him for it. I’m a horrible person.”

“No you’re not,” Hyunsuk says fiercely, hugging Yedam. “You’re a great person. Either choice would have been bad.”

“I should have just left.”

“You saved those people, Yedamie,” Junkyu murmurs, pressing a gentle kiss into his forehead. It’s cool and soothing and Yedam sniffles. 

“I betrayed him. I said I would and I lied.”

“It’s okay,” Junkyu says, whispers comforting words into his hair. “Shh, it’s okay.”

“He was killing people,” Doyoung adds. “Murder is murder, even if they weren’t particularly good. It’s okay.”

Yedam can’t bring himself to feel happy or comforted, though. But he swallows down a sob and clings to Junkyu and Hyunsuk and Doyoung as tight as he possibly can.

“Stay here, please,” he chokes out, looking up through eyes filled with tears and Hyunsuk brushes his bangs out of his face, Junkyu steadily rubs his back, and Doyoung buries his face into Yedam’s neck.

“Of course.”

  
  


He ends up joining Doyoung as they head to the ruins of the nearby village. The forest has started to overtake it, vines wrapping around crumbling stone and trees growing over decaying wood. Yedam, tails swishing behind him, steps delicately over a fallen beam.

“Not bad,” Doyoung comments, looking around. “We might be able to clear it out.”

This was where he first really met Haruto, Yedam realizes, looking around and it just cracks his heart a little further. 

Would they have a happy future? At all? Could Yedam dare to have that?

Maybe they wouldn’t. Maybe it was just a fluke and Haruto was truly dead, ashes scattered to the winds and Yedam would live the rest of the times alone, without him.

Doyoung is moving stray rubble into piles, a green glow surrounding his hands and Yedam goes to stand next to him, noses the stone gently. He receives a smile and a moment later some scrap wood drops next to him.

To burn?

“You can burn it,” Doyoung says helpfully. “It might make you feel better.”

If only Yedam could have loved Doyoung. It would be easy - so easy and he lets himself entertain the thought for a moment.

But that wouldn’t be fair to Doyoung, wouldn’t be fair to Haruto, wouldn’t be fair to Yedam himself. So Yedam nods briefly and sets it on fire.

Somehow it’s satisfying, watching the wood gradually crumble to nothing. He sweeps a paw over the sparse remains, sits down.

What was Doyoung doing?

“I think I want to build us a home,” Doyoung murmurs. “That is, if you want to live with me?”

He’d like that. Yedam can’t help but feel a bit better at the thought. Doyoung was kind and funny and compassionate and it would be nice, to just stay in the forest. 

A nod and Doyoung smiles. “Thank you.”

_ Thank you,  _ Yedam wants to say and he nudges Doyoung’s arm affectionately, tries to show how grateful he is.  _ Thank you so much, Doyoungie. _

  
  


That should be it. That’s where it’s supposed to end; with Yedam eventually getting over his heartbreak but never forgetting and living with Doyoung, helping any stray passersby or wounded animals and one Watanabe Haruto gone from mind, from thought, from sight.

Of course it’s not.

Because one particularly rainy night, when Yedam is napping with Doyoung lazily stroking his fur and Junghwan chattering their ears off there’s a sudden knock at the door. 

“Who could it be?” Doyoung wonders, getting up. Yedam’s ears prick up and he stands, trots over with Doyoung. The door is swung open and a boy stumbles in, dripping wet from the rain.

In their stunned silence, no one remembers to close it. Junghwan is the one who does, getting up and closing it, latching it shut. 

“Thank you,” the boy breathes, collapsing right in front of Yedam  _ oh no  _ and looking up at them with wide, wide eyes. Still as dark as they were before, yet holding all the stars in the sky. “I’m Haruto. I think I have a broken leg.”

Haruto.

Yedam wants to scream. And cry. But some part of him also feels inexplicably joyful, to have Haruto back.  _ He’s back, he returned to us! _ _   
  
_

_ You killed him. Also he has a broken leg. _

_ Doesn’t matter because he’s back! _

“You said - okay,” Doyoung says and rushes off, Junghwan close behind him. Yedam stays there, awkward. And also incapable of being remotely useful as Doyoung comes back with a roll of bandages and some water and Junghwan a cloth and a bottle of medicine.

They fix Haruto’s injury up decently quickly, aided a little by magic and Yedam’s best, mildly lopsided attempts at comfort as Haruto squirms in pain. Every noise he makes cracks something in his chest, inevitably awakens the burning drive to protect, to soothe, to make sure Haruto will never feel pain again - but that was a bit hypocritical of him, wasn’t it. _   
  
_

“Thank you,” Haruto sighs as he leans heavily on Yedam’s side. “Really. Thank you so much.”

“You’re welcome,” Doyoung says and leaves it at that.

“I’m Junghwan,” Junghwan finally says when the silence has grown a little too awkward. “That’s Doyoung and that’s Yedam.”

“Hi,” Haruto says, looks Yedam in the eyes and a furrow appears between his brows. Yedam freezes in place.

But all Haruto does is sit up a bit further, shoving his wet hair out of his eyes and right, he’s completely soaked from the rain, they should probably mend that. Junghwan heads off to get some blankets and a spare set of clothes and Yedam, very hesitantly, cuddles up closer to Haruto to give him some warmth.

“Woah,” Haruto breathes, burying his fingers into Yedam’s fur and leaning in close and Yedam feels like he’ll melt into a pile of lovestruck spirit and poor Doyoung will have to clean up the mess. “That’s really warm.”

“He is pretty warm,” Doyoung says, seemingly still a little shellshocked. Yedam won’t blame him; he is too. Junghwan returns with a blanket and a pile of clothes and he drapes the blanket over Haruto’s shoulders. With a little hesitation, Haruto reaches out towards him and then pulls back.

“Can you, uh… here? Stay here?”

‘Here’ is right next to Haruto’s side, apparently, and Yedam really really wants to jump off a building and maybe also squeal in glee.

Carefully, he shuffles over and lets Haruto snuggle up to him, the blanket draped over both their sides. 

“You know you should change, right?”

“Right,” Haruto says distractedly from where he’s petting Yedam rhythmically and then pulls away abruptly. “Sorry, sorry. It’s just… I don’t know.”

_ Please,  _ Yedam prays to whatever god will listen,  _ tell me he doesn’t remember. Let me be happy with him. Let us be alright. _

They all turn away to let Haruto get some privacy as he slowly (slowly) changes and then almost immediately Yedam is tugged back to his side, head squashed in between Haruto’s shoulder and the floor. It’s uncomfortable and also perfect.

What is this, he wonders? A second chance? He can only hope. The wounds of their last encounter are still fresh and Yedam doesn’t want to believe it, doesn’t want to believe that this could be real but the way Haruto holds onto him makes it seem true.

“You know you can sleep on one of the beds, right?” Junghwan comments. They’ve somehow migrated to the main area, in front of the fire which Yedam discreetly stokes a little higher. Haruto is still practically melted into his side, one hand scratching lazily behind his ears.

“It’s warm here, though.”

Yedam looks up, meets Doyoung’s eyes which look worried and also sad.  _ This might not be a good idea,  _ they say.

See, Yedam knows that. Of course he does. But he wants to believe so badly that it’s a possibility. Getting sucked into this beautiful illusion might be fatal for his heart, but that risk is one he wants to take.

So he doesn’t make any complaint when Haruto just tugs him closer. Nor does he make a complaint when Haruto falls asleep there.

And when Haruto wakes up in the middle of the night, chest heaving and eyes wide with terror it’s Yedam who calms him down, noses softly at Haruto’s shoulder and lets him stroke Yedam as much as he likes, not making a noise when Haruto accidentally pulls a bit too hard so it verges into painful territory.

He still loves Haruto, even after everything and it’s a terrifying realization to fall asleep to.

  
  


“Wake up.”

Haruto groans, stretches and Yedam watches with mild amusement as he promptly faceplants into his back. “No.”

“You need to eat, you know?”

“Food can wait. I just want to sleep.”

Doyoung sighs. “Hyung, shift back.”

Yedam hesitates, glances at Haruto who is still trying to make himself one with Yedam. Then before he can be swayed by how soft and sleepy Haruto looks he shifts, catches Haruto before he can fall and sets him on the floor gently, pulling the blanket tight around his body.

“What - ”

The word is cut off as Haruto stares at Yedam’s face, eyes wide with something like shock. Hopefully for a good reason.

Hopefully it wasn’t because Haruto recognized his murderer.

But Doyoung calls Haruto’s name again and that distracts him. Yedam shuffles over to pull on some clothes, carefully slides his legs and arms through the right holes. Brushes himself off and folds the blanket up, setting it with the others. 

It’s a very domestic scene. Haruto eating at the little table they’d set up, Yedam just watching (he’s not very hungry and normally the thought of food would be more appealing but his stomach is tied into knots) and Doyoung pouring water into cups. He could imagine this every day, would be lucky to have it. 

Periodically in between bites of food Haruto sneaks curious looks at him and Yedam pretends he doesn’t feel the nervous flutter in his stomach, the way his fingers feel warmer than usual. He wants to pretend that it’s because Haruto thinks he’s cute, hopes that’s all it is. 

“Do I know you?” Haruto asks suddenly, setting his spoon down and Yedam blinks.

Oh no. Oh no oh no.

“I don’t… think so?” he says evasively, drums his fingers on his thigh. It’s a nervous habit Yedam has never been able to get rid of. 

“Right,” Haruto says but he doesn’t stop staring for the rest of the day, brows furrowed as if trying to remember something.

  
  


As quickly as it had came, the illusion of comfort shatters the next morning.

“I know you,” Haruto says as soon as he wakes up, staring right at Yedam with accusatory eyes and his heart drops in his chest.

He’d known this had to happen, in some part of his soul, but it didn’t make it hurt less. Yedam doesn’t bother to shift back, wanting any excuse he could have to not talk.

“You killed me,” Haruto declares and the anger in his voice hurts so, so badly. “Why did you kill me? I trusted you.”

“You were going to burn down a city,” Doyoung interrupts but Haruto shakes his head, looks away with eyes filling with tears.

“I’m leaving. I can’t stay here.”

“Your leg - ”

“Don’t care. Leaving.”

No one moves as Haruto grabs a large stick and uses it to hobble towards the door. It opens with a click, shuts a few seconds later with a resounding thump.

He wants to cry. And scream. And run after Haruto, plead for forgiveness, apologize. 

Yedam does none of those things in favour of lying down, ears flat on his head to drown out Doyoung’s voice. His chest feels like it’s being ripped apart; heartbreak, in the worst sense. If only he wasn’t immortal, so maybe the gentle caress of death could soothe him.

And that’s it. That’s the end because Yedam refuses to let it continue. He can’t keep going on this cycle of trying to reach love and ultimately getting dragged back down to the depths.

Haruto is a piece of his life that Yedam won’t - can’t - ever forget, but Yedam throws himself into new ideas, new projects. No more. Not again.

(Of course, with his luck life will throw them back together, but it doesn’t matter. He’s done with this.)


	4. paint the stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter of this random AU I just made on impulse. I just had to write a massive nested function in Latex and let me just say completing the brackets was horrifying. At least it's done.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> -Jay

Haruto is running.

How did he get into this situation, you ask? See, kids, Haruto doesn’t really know either. It’s kind of slipped his mind. All he knows now is the burn in his chest and the thump of his feet on grass.

_ There’s a sanctuary,  _ the old man had gasped out in his dying breaths.  _ Deep in the forest. They’ll help you. Go! _

So that’s what he was doing. Going.

(His head was bleeding, blood trailing down from a cut. It throbbed. Probably not a good thing, but Haruto had other things to think about.)

(Namely, his chasers trying to cut off his tail. He needed that.)

“Help!” he yells, seeing a figure in the distance. “Please help!”

The figure spins around and runs closer, then stops short, stunned. Haruto dives behind their (smaller) figure and hopes he hasn’t screwed someone over.

He hasn’t.

Mysterious Figure does something that has the two stopping short, turning around randomly and suddenly a torrent of fire spills from his hands, tinted bright pink. It sends them running, screams echoing through the trees. 

“You okay?” Mysterious Figure asks, turning around. Haruto pushes himself up and leans unsteadily on a tree. For the first time, he takes a good look at Mysterious Figure, who appears kind of familiar somehow but Haruto doesn’t care because  _ wow  _ he’s beautiful. He’s got wide eyes and messy dark hair and cute heart lips that are pulled into an expression of concern and Haruto is. Dizzy.

“You’re really pretty,” is the last thing he gets out. Whatever Mysterious Figure says next is lost to darkness.

  
  


He’s woken by the sound of shattering glass and Haruto groans, buries his face in the pillow. 

“Sorry, sorry. Did I wake you?”

“Yes,” Haruto says pointedly, looking up and shielding his eyes immediately. “Who are you? Where am I?”

“You’re in the Sanctuary and I’m So Junghwan,” is the response he gets. Haruto moves his hand at that, surprised.

“I made it?”

“Yep. Welcome!”

He’d made it. Haruto melts into the bed with a sigh of relief, closing his eyes. “Thank you so much, god. I’m Haruto.”

“Haruto,” Junghwan says with a slight frown. “Watanabe Haruto?”

“... how did you know that?”

“Long story,” Junghwan says and he sighs. “Well. Stay here for a moment?”

Then he walks off, leaving Haruto utterly confused. He leans his head back on the pillow, staring up at the ceiling. 

Were these people dangerous? Did he have to leave? Haruto hoped not; he’d just got here and the Sanctuary was, well,  _ the  _ Sanctuary. They wouldn’t hurt people like him.

“I’m being serious, hyung. Really, it’s him.”

“No way. How is he still  _ alive?” _

“Don’t know but he’s here.”

The door swings open and three new people walk in. Haruto blinks as one practically floats over, stares down at him for exactly five seconds. 

“Uh, hi?”

“Hello,” floaty guy says carefully. “Nice to meet you.”

It doesn’t sound like it but whatever. A new person comes to the front, someone Haruto is pretty sure he knows but has never seen.

“You’re right, it is him,” new person murmurs, seemingly to himself. “Oh no.”

“This might be a problem,” the shortest one sighs and, well. Haruto is both insulted and very confused.

“Can someone tell me what’s going on?”

“I’ll get Yedamie,” floaty guy says quickly and the name stirs something in Haruto’s mind. His head aches. “Give me a moment?”

“I’m coming with you,” short guy says and together they head out, leaving Haruto with Junghwan and familiar person. He narrows his eyes, trying to decipher familiar person’s features. Attempts to put together an identity, a name, anything.

“You’re… Do something.”

“Doyoung.”

“That. Wait. There was another guy, right? You said his name.”

“It’s best if he explains it,” Doyoung sighs, taking a seat on a nearby chair that definitely wasn’t there before what. “Just… don’t be a jerk.”

“I won’t,” Haruto protests. He’s not a rude person. Usually. 

Whatever Doyoung is about to say next is interrupted by the door opening and ‘Yedamie’ walks in, face carefully neutral. Haruto looks at his face and feels the words rise up unbidden.

“You’re the guy who killed me.”

He doesn’t expect the ensuing flinch, nor floaty guy floating over and lightly slapping his head. “Don’t be rude.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Haruto says. The memory isn’t a fun one but he remembers a gentle voice telling him it would be okay, all he had to do was go to sleep and  _ Yedam  _ \- that was the guy - would be there when Haruto woke up.

Well, that was one way to fulfill the promise.

“I’m Yedam,” Yedam says softly and goes to sit next to Doyoung, half squashed on his lap. “I guess you already know me. Sorry about the whole, uh, murder thing.”

“Yeah,” Haruto says, unabashedly staring. He’s a little starstruck, if he’s being honest. Yedam is a lot more beautiful now that he’s  _ not  _ dizzy and exhausted. “Wow, you  _ are  _ really pretty.”

The effect is immediate. Pink appears on Yedam’s cheeks and somehow it just makes him shine even more. Honestly it’s a little entrancing. Doyoung slaps his forehead with a sigh.

“Thank you, I guess,” Yedam says. “Welcome to the Sanctuary. I’m one of the founders - ”

Oh wow. 

“- and there’s a free spot with Asahi and Jaehyuk. Uh, remember to knock. That’s about it; any questions?”

“Just one,” Haruto says. “Can you repeat everything? I was too busy staring at your eyes.”

It’s not even a lie, really. 

Doyoung slaps his forehead again. Floaty guy does as well. So does short guy.

Yedam? Yedam stands up, shapeshifts into a fox (a really beautiful fox too, with gold-white fur and everything) and just walks right out the door.

“Did I offend him?” Haruto asks in the awkward silence. 

Floaty guy lets out a big,  _ big  _ sigh. “No you didn’t.”

“Then why did he leave?”

“Long story.”

“Really long.”

“Tone it down a little,” short guy suggests (more like threatens). “If you really want to know, ask. And don’t be insensitive about it.”

That’s all the answers Haruto gets and he wants so badly to ask for more but a single look from short guy shuts him up real fast.

After that incident, Yedam is almost impossible to find.

He’s always got at least one other person with him and whenever he sees Haruto it’s like magic - Yedam just vanishes. Sometimes it is magic and Haruto ends up trying to search the empty air for a person everyone else is sure isn’t there.

It’s. Frustrating, to say the least. He just wants to talk to the pretty spirit and maybe ask about the weird thing with their shared past. Also why he kept running.

Yedam for his part is nothing more than kind whenever Haruto is able to actually find him and he doesn’t disappear immediately. But that’s it. He’s polite and moves with a sort of stiff grace and talks little but keeps up a sweet smile all the time and it’s kind of adorable but Haruto wants to  _ know. _

“Just ask outright,” floaty guy or Kim Junkyu sighs when Haruto asks him for the hundredth time. “That might get you somewhere.”

So Haruto, when he finally manages to find Yedam curled on a rooftop with sunlight scattered over his fur, asks the question.

“What happened? In our past? And why do you keep avoiding me?”

Yedam looks up at him with narrowed eyes and Haruto reaches for him quickly. “Please don’t disappear. I’m sorry if I was rude the first day we met? Is it the first day? I don’t know. But I hope I didn’t do anything that was impolite or hurt your feelings.”

Something like a sigh and then Yedam is shifting, flipping his hair off of his forehead with a quick flick of his hand and Haruto’s eyes are drawn to the motion automatically.

“You’re really persistent on knowing, huh.”

“Kind of, yeah,” Haruto says. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s not your fault. I’m not angry or anything, don’t worry. It’s just… we were weird.”

“What do you mean, weird?” Haruto asks, frowning. “Were we friends? Enemies? Lovers?”

Yedam snorts at the last one. “Kind of. Basically, I met you before you met me? You went through our forest - it’s the one we’re in right now, actually - and, uh, I thought you were interesting.”

“So?”

“So when I turned 100 I made myself human and went to go find you.”

“What happened?”

“You, uh, you kind of cut my arm and yelled something and I ran away.”

Haruto winces. “Oh no, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“It’s centuries ago anyway,” Yedam dismisses, waving a hand. The sun catches over his skin, shimmers in his eyes and it’s stunning. “So I went back home.”

“That’s it?”

“Obviously not,” Yedam says and Haruto laughs a little. “I met you a second time in the city; actually, I rescued you there.”

“I kind of remember that,” Haruto says, frowning. He recalls a rush of fire and running. A lot of running. And sparks. “You rescued me?”

“Yep. It was kind of confusing finding you again because I thought you were dead.”

“Yeah, that’s weird.”

“Oh, definitely. So I kind of made friends with you - at least, you were nice to me and I was nice to you - and I was pretty happy about that.”

“Aw, that’s sweet.”

“It was,” Yedam says with a faint smile and he looks kind of sad. Haruto has the overhwelming urge to hug him and pat his hair. He doesn’t because that would be really sudden and maybe not wanted. But. The urge was there.

“You were kind of, uh, killing people?”

“Sorry I was  _ what.” _

“Yeah, like the corrupt guards and stuff.”

Haruto winces. “Oh boy. Is that why you, uh… ”

“Not really,” Yedam sighs. “But also yes. You kind of asked me to burn the city down and I agreed - ”

“Did you actually?”

“Oh, no. But I still agreed.”

“You shouldn’t have,” Haruto says firmly. “No matter who asks you that. And I shouldn’t have asked.”

“I know,” Yedam says and he smiles again. “So, I ended up poisoning you.”

Haruto glances down at his wrist; there’s a faint scar there. Yedam follows his gaze and nods. “Yeah, it was there.”

“Didn’t you, like, hold me?”

“I did,” Yedam says. “You were a kind person and I cared about you a lot.”

“Must have been a real lot, to agree to burn a city down.”

Yedam laughs but there’s tears in his eyes and he looks away, blinks harshly. “It was. I left the city with Doyoungie after that and built a sort of house in the forest. It’s here, actually.”

“Is that it?”

“Oh, no,” Yedam says. “It’s never it. You stumbled into our little nook of the woods one stormy night with a broken leg.”

“Ooh, yeah. I died only like a few months after, I think. Wasn’t fun.”

“I can imagine. So, we helped you get better - ”

“Hey, that’s nice. Thanks!”

“You’re welcome. But you figured out that I, well, murdered you and left because of that.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” 

“And now?”

“Fourth time,” Yedam says and pulls his knees up to his chest in an uncharacteristically childlike move. “You’re here now. And I’ve got no idea what to do.”

“Why?” Haruto asks. “I mean, it’s all centuries ago, right?”

Yedam laughs wetly and there are tears rolling down his cheeks. He wipes them away. “Yeah, I guess.”

“So we can be like friends. Or more, if you’re into that.”

His joke, unfortunately, does not lighten the mood. In fact, Yedam shifts abruptly and Haruto panics, jumps up.

“Sorry, sorry. Please don’t leave. I didn’t really mean it. I mean, I kind of did? I don’t know?”

Something must work because Yedam shifts back but doesn’t turn around. “Did you mean it?”

“Uh…”

Yedam turns around. There are tears pooling in his eyes again, like diamonds and infinitely more precious. Haruto watches, a little stunned as he picks up a stray twig and abruptly sets it on fire. 

“Don’t play with me,” Yedam says tightly into the silence. The flickering flame reflects in his eyes and he’s so startlingly beautiful Haruto is convinced he’s some sort of deity. “You say something, you have to mean it.”

“Do you want me to?” Haruto asks, fidgeting with his hands. He tries to meet Yedam’s gaze and is met with something like exhaustion and bitter frustration. 

“It’s not about whether or not I want you to,” Yedam snaps and the fire surges higher. “Of course I want you to. I’ve loved you for millenia, you stupid beautiful person. But you have to mean it.”

Oh.

“I’m not… sure,” Haruto says haltingly. “You’re, uh, really cute? And I mean it when I say that you’re really pretty.”

“Not enough,” Yedam says and the twig crumbles to ash. With a wave of his hands it’s scattered away. “If you want to try, we can. But you’re making that choice this time, not me. I won’t keep running to you.”

_ I want to try,  _ Haruto wants to say and he should but the words get caught in his throat and Yedam, after a moment of waiting stands up, shifts and walks away. 

The setting sun is the only witness as Haruto cries, alone on the rooftop.

  
  


“What did you  _ do?”  _ Junkyu demands. “Please tell me you didn’t say something horrible.” 

“It’s more what I didn’t say,” Haruto says glumly and Junkyu’s face immediately becomes irritated.

“He’s in love with you. You know that, right?”

“Yeah, he told me.”

“And you kept flirting with him,” Junkyu says, crossing his arms. “If you don’t want a relationship, just say it and don’t give him that hope. Yedamie doesn’t deserve that.”

“But I do,” Haruto says in frustration. “Only he keeps avoiding me now and I can’t tell him.”

Junkyu looks at him for two seconds and then sighs deeply. “You were a bit of a jerk in your past lives towards him.”

“I know,” Haruto sighs. “I should have just said it.”

“Yeah, you should have,” Junkyu says. “You’d better mean it, by the way.”

“What does that mean?”

“Just wait here and don’t move.”

In what feels like barely any time at all Junkyu is dragging an unhappy looking Yedam over, face cutely scrunched into a pout. Haruto can’t help the flutter in his stomach.

“Why am I heere.”

“Because our good friend,” Junkyu declares, gesturing towards Haruto, “has something to say to you.”

“If you’re going to say something about my looks then no.”

“I’m not wrong!” Haruto protests. “But, uh, it’s not about that?”

He gives Yedam his best puppy eyes in an attempt to convince him and with a sigh, Yedam sits down, tilting his head towards him in a silent gesture to continue.

It’s nerve wracking, with Junkyu literally sitting right there watching and Yedam staring at him, tails (they were out, surprisingly, instead of hidden) slowly swishing on the grass like the timer to Haruto’s destruction. He wouldn’t be surprised because Yedam might look soft in human form but power wise he could squash Haruto like a gnat. Pretty cool.

“I, uh, like you? Like, I think you’re really beautiful and a nice person and I really want to date you?”

Yedam frowns at him and the vulnerable confusion in his eyes hurts. “You barely know me.”

“I mean that could change.”

“You pined after him for generations, Yedamie,” Junkyu says and reaches out to pet Yedam’s hair. Lucky. “Give it a chance.”

Haruto forces himself not to shrink at the narrow-eyed stare he receives. “Don’t hurt me,” Yedam says and then quieter, “Please.”

“I might,” Haruto says and then winces when he realizes what that sounds like. “But I’ll always try to make it better. Promise.”

“Okay,” Yedam murmurs after a moment and he reaches out. Haruto laces their fingers together without hesitation and can’t help but smile. “I promise, too.”

  
  


It’s said that deep in the forest there’s a sanctuary, a home for spirits and magic users and all sorts of supernatural creatures. And protecting this lovely place is a ghostlike spirit who sings a mournful song, flames wreathing their figure.

Haruto always smiles when he hears people talking of the tale. Is it accurate? Absolutely not. Funny, though? Of course. Yedam being a ghost is only one of many odd interpretations.

But he doesn’t really mind. They’ll outlive the stories, after all. 

“I love you,” he murmurs to a sleeping Yedam, who cracks one eye open and gives him a sweet smile, leaning up to gently drop a kiss onto Haruto’s lips, light as a butterfly. 

“I love you too.”

The sunlight washes over his hair, makes it shine like satin and Haruto tilts Yedam’s head up with a delicate finger, tugs him closer by the waist and kisses him, over and over until he feels drunk off the feeling, heady with love and eventually Yedam wriggles away from his grasp, lips swollen rose red and Haruto chases after him with a giggle.

“Noo, come back.”

“You’ll just keep trying to suck my face off!”

“But you’re so cute!”

“But I can’t stay here forever!”

“Why not?” Haruto pouts, reaches for Yedam again who rolls away from his hands, sheets tangling over his legs and torso. He’s an angel, a dream, sunlight scattering over smooth skin and Haruto has the urge to just hold him, never let go again.

“I have work and so do you!”

With a sigh (and a few - ten - more kisses), Haruto relents. Yedam gives him a comforting pat and dodges another attempt at a kiss.

“We’ve got forever, Haruto,” he says with a sweet smile. “You don’t need to worry about getting too few kisses.”

That was a good point and Haruto smiles back, leans down to steal another kiss to the beautiful chime of Yedam’s laughter.

They sure did, didn’t they. They had forever to love each other and all the lifetimes Haruto had lived were so, so worth it for this.


End file.
